I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
