you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
