I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
