I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
