We won't sleep together?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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