When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
