I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
