i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
