I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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