She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
