Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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