Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
