My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
