there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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