As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
