i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
