Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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