Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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