Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
