don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
