The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
