I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
