All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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