You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
