don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
