wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
