he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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