I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
