"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
