The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
