I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
