Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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