If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
