I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
