Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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