so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
