Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
