i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
