She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
