The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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