He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
