idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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