SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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