Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
