DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
