the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
