It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
