I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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