i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
