I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
