He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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