The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
