You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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